I want to share something very personal with you. Something only some of the people really close to me know about, but I decided its been long enough. I recently read the book Safe Haven which is about a young woman trying to escape her fears. It brought back not so much as "memories" but my own personal nightmare I experienced way too young for too long.
I was fourteen years old when I met who I thought was my soulmate, he seemed perfect for me. Although he was two years older, we had so much in common, we even met at a Christian music convention. He loved to play guitar for me and I would sing to him. He lived a hour away from me so it was hard for us to manage a relationship but for the first four months we had made it pretty amazing. I knew I had fallen for him and at that four month mark he gave me a promise ring while we were visiting his grandparents. He made me promise that we would get married after I graduated high school, of course I said yes happily.
Things started to change after that. He seemed stressed all the time and got irritated a lot. Since we were in a long distance relationship, he wanted to know who I was hanging out with and my plans for each day. I'd call him while I was at school and tell him what I'd be doing after I got out. I thought it seemed like a normal routine for a relationship like ours. But soon he started to get really angry if my plans changed and I ended up doing something else and didn't tell him. He would make it out like I had deliberately lied to him and we would end up in a fight and he would accuse me of cheating and call me a whore. He would call me back at night and apologize and say that I had to be more specific about how my plans might change and to let him know right then. One time we got in a huge fight and I tried to end things because I was so tired of his temper, he ended up sending me a dozen red roses to my school the next day, and I took him back. These things were just when we were away from each other.
On the weekends or sometimes every other weekend, he would come down and take me to dinner or a movie or we would hang out at my house. He would want to rehash the things we had fought about during the week and tell me to change and be better for him. There was always that voice inside me telling me he was wrong and none of the things he was saying was right. I would go with that voice sometimes and tell him to get out and just go home but he would refuse to leave until we worked it out. It got worse as time went on, but I thought I loved him and we built years together. Near the end he was pulling me by my hair, throwing things at me, but he never did anything that left marks on my body. He was careful like that. I think it's just because he knew I had law enforcement in my family. The last time I saw him while we were still together he slapped my face, and I knew that was the end for us. But by this time he had already moved closer to me for college so I knew it was going to be hard to get rid of him, but I did it. My heart was saying I loved him but my head said it was wrong and I knew if I stayed with him eventually the abuse would get way worse even if there were no marks on my body. It's still abuse. Verbally, mentally, physically and emotionally. Every one of these I experienced for three years. Three years too long.
For a while I thought I was damaged and could never be in a real relationship again because my head was so messed up. He was my first relationship and I was a kid when it started and I had no clue how a relationship was really supposed to be like. My friends and my family really helped me, and helped me see what love should really be. Although their relationships in high school weren't perfect either, I knew there had to be more to love than what I experienced.
And I was right.
I know I wasn't married or anything when this happened and I'm thankful I wasn't, but just know that if you're reading this and possibly going through some of the same things that it's never too late to get out. Never. The only person that can help you is you. You have to make that decision to either live in a prison or find out what love should really be about. I was fourteen years old, I didn't know any better and no man had said I love you to me like that before. I got sucked in to the nightmare. Don't be like that. Life is too short to be living in fear.
Be smart.
- Torry Kay
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